[exploring the inside]

[exploring the inside]

Ever since I’ve learned my strengths, I have been noticing their manifestations in my life almost daily.

It also happens to be that one of my strengths is Connectedness – the feature of my mind when it sees interconnectedness in everything.

And I mean that.

Everything.

I look back at my life and I see that it was always super easy for me to find a link between topics or events. When I was a teenager, I started writing a book called Preacher’s Helper. Unfortunately, it was destroyed along with the harddrive of my mom’s laptop, but I still remember the idea. I used to carry a notebook and a pen in my jeans and I would hunt for story examples for sermons. I saw them everywhere – in crosswords, in pigeons on a street, in weather. I would write the ideas in my notebook and when I came home, I would write them down, expanding on how a Biblical principle could be seen in this story.

Similarly, whenever I watch movies or read a book, my never-resting mind (to which I owe wonderful and creative dreams) usually analyzes the storyline and tries to find a connection in my own life. Mostly it’s done subconsciously, but there are times when I notice that activity.

I have been watching Fringe show for the last few weeks and I cannot help but identify myself with Olivia (the one from this reality, not the other one.) Even though I am not constantly fearful of my safety and my childhood was happier than hers, there are moments when I watch her and think “That’s me.”

I observe her relationship with Peter and all I want to tell them (and actually, I do tell them… sitting in front of my laptop with a cup of hot Earl Grey in my hand) to finally get together. I feel so happy when they are together… and I feel depressed when they are not doing okay.

I don’t like that. I don’t like it when I can identify so much with a character of a book or a movie because when something goes wrong with the character, I get way too emotional about it because it feels as if my own life is thwarted. Similarly, I rejoice with them when what they wanted happens.

Granted, that usually happens to me whenever I like a character (and when a book is well written). I can scream at the others who try to hurt my “hero,” I can fume in silence (it looks rather hilarious, I think, if someone were to observe me in that state), I can laugh, I can cry… My imagination turns me into the character and I can no longer distinguish between my own feelings and the characters.

It just seems wrong to let book and movie people rule my emotions so freely. Even those Christian romantic novels, where you know the end is going to be happy, can sometimes turn me into a wreck.

But I can’t just stop reading. Then I end up analyzing myself rather than book characters and that’s even worse.

Have you ever screamed at a book character? Have you ever laughed out loud with joy when something good happened to them?

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