[when the mind is drawing a blank]

[when the mind is drawing a blank]

I come home every evening, hug and feed my cat, get a cup of tea, open my laptop… and stare at the screen that asks for a new blog post.

I think I’ve got about 15 drafts that I’ve started and saved for later. A bunch got discarded because I started writing and wasn’t sure where I was going.

There are a lot of thoughts in my mind, begging to be expressed, but something stands in a way and organizing the thoughts into something meaningful feels impossible.

I’ve finished the Slumber of Christianity by Ted Dekker today.

Where do I begin sharing the thoughts!

This book was on my radar, but I was so immersed in Dekker’s fiction series that I didn’t pay as much attention to his nonfiction. However, thanks to Adrian (and the random lottery that took place at his blog), I got a chance to get this book on my iPhone Kindle app.

I am so glad I got it.

For reasons unknown to me (or I am not fully aware of them), it seems like Paul’s exclamation in his letter to Philippians is my life verse.

For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better. I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me.

Philippians 1:21-22, NLT

Ever since my grandma died 10 years ago, the subject of death has been on my mind.

Nowadays, death is considered a very bad thing. I can understand the feeling in unbelievers, but it confuses me that a lot of Christians view it as a bad thing too.

I did lose people. It hurts to go on living without them. Sometimes it hurts so much we can’t seem to go on (and sometimes we don’t even want to go on)… Yet their deaths hurts only those who are left behind. Those who died and who were His followers are finally enjoying true life.

I remember standing at my grandma’s funeral. My mom and aunt and cousin were crying. I was numb. My grandma was the first person close to me that I’ve lost and I had no idea how to deal with it. It seemed like a dream… a bad dream. The only nightmares that I ever had didn’t deal with someone chasing me or stuff like that. The nightmares I had were those of losing the ones I cared about.

So I wanted to wake up.

The wish didn’t come true because I was, unfortunately, very much awake.

But ever since, I kept thinking about what lies behind the veil of this world.

Over the years, I understood what Paul meant.

Dekker puts it this way:

The world’s bumper sticker reads: Life sucks, and then you die.

Perhaps Christian bumper stickers should read: Life sucks, but then you find hope and you can’t wait to die.

Slumber of Christianity

However, he doesn’t stop by describing the blissful pleasure of heaven in his typical Dekker way that make you want to laugh and cry and shout for joy at the same time.

He also inspires a love for the life here, before the bliss above. A life of enjoying the pleasures God sends our way – enjoying in the way God planned for them to be enjoyed, not abused. Pleasures that give us a foretaste of what is waiting for us.

We can’t have heaven on earth because this life cannot fully provide us with the happiness we were created for. However, only longing for heaven and shunning all the blessings our loving God provides for us in the meantime would be like throwing your parents’ present in their face. Besides, how can we long for a blissful pleasure when we don’t know what pleasure feels like at all?

I am working on the second part. Enjoying this life to its fullest while not forgetting God has prepared something “no eye has seen, no ear has heard” of for those who love Him.

Some time ago, I woke up with a little rhyme in my head.

I’m not afraid of death,
I am afraid of dying.
But when my time will come,
I’ll see the silver lining.

Are you afraid of death? Do you long for it sometimes? (Not for death, but to be with Him finally)… 

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