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I finally got the guts to admit to myself what I have been in fierce denial of for half a year now.

*Deep breath*

…I no longer love my job.

I still love the Chamber as one loves its family, that hasn’t changed.

The problem is with me. I no longer feel like I am doing something that matters. And I no longer feel like I am good at what I am doing.

I am a person who likes short-term projects – I like going to bed at night and thinking “I’ve done my job well.” I know life isn’t always about short-term – and life itself is usually a long-term project – but even in games, I absolutely HATE the ones that need strategic thinking. My job for 3 years at the Chamber might not have been something a lot of people would like to do, but I looked forward to coming to the office, writing myself a list of things to do on a Post-It note, sticking it to my computer screen and in the course of the day cross out what I have done. I liked everything being on time and I was good at what I did.

But the organization grew and soon there were bigger projects so I needed an assistant to help me with the amount of work to be done. Then we also got managers (for 2.5 years of my work there, we didn’t have team managers. Everyone did what needed to be done and we were one team.) The last straw for me was that I’ve been sort of “promoted” – moved on to do “bigger stuff” and focus on strategic development for our online presence.

Remember, I said I hated strategy?

Yeah.

So these days, I simply don’t know – what, where, how, who, why. I’m trying to fight the occasional bouts of depression that seem to attack unexpectedly and bouts of fear that I am not doing what I am expected to. I am not on the winning team.

We had our semi-annual self-evaluation this week. I looked at the list of answers for various questions and I realized that where I could say I was doing a good job before, I am doing a lousy one now. I keep encouraging myself and reminding of my love for my work… And that only increases the guilty feeling for seemingly failing everything.

So… um… If God reminds you about me while you pray, I will be very thankful for prayers.

Because I am not sure what God has for me and I’m afraid that I will fail His next projects just like I’m failing right now.

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