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[confession time...]

I’ve been saying,

“I am content with the way my life is.”

On one hand, it’s true.

On another hand, it’s a big fat lie.

It is true because I do like my job,

I do have a nice apartment to live in,

I have many dear friends,

I have a Church family -

And many other things I am thankful for.

On another hand,

I am not content.

I like my job,

but I miss digging through the code instead of coordinating big projects and my assistant.

I like my apartment,

but I wish I could share it with someone (and not just a roommate).

I long for some changes in my life…

Yet, at the same time, I protest every single time changes happen.

Sometimes I wonder whether I should move somewhere else,

To another country perhaps, and

Start everything from a blank page.

Then I wonder, what would I do?

I know so much yet I know so little.

I have an allergy for “right answers”

Even when right answers are what I need.

I told God all this today.

He listened and sent a friend to encourage me not to give up.

A friend confessed last night how he used to depend on people’s opinion about him,

Their approval.

I kept quiet, but I still am dependent on that more often than not.

I am a wanna-be rebel on a leash of loyalty.

I am not content with myself.

There’s so much to change / update / upgrade / delete / install…

Mainly, it’s the question: “Does my life amount to anything worthy?” that is like a toothache.

Because I don’t know.

Only later I will find out.

I want it to be the way He wants it.

But I keep stumbling in confusion.

I need to get some sleep.