I’ve been saying,
“I am content with the way my life is.”
On one hand, it’s true.
On another hand, it’s a big fat lie.
It is true because I do like my job,
I do have a nice apartment to live in,
I have many dear friends,
I have a Church family -
And many other things I am thankful for.
On another hand,
I am not content.
I like my job,
but I miss digging through the code instead of coordinating big projects and my assistant.
I like my apartment,
but I wish I could share it with someone (and not just a roommate).
I long for some changes in my life…
Yet, at the same time, I protest every single time changes happen.
Sometimes I wonder whether I should move somewhere else,
To another country perhaps, and
Start everything from a blank page.
Then I wonder, what would I do?
I know so much yet I know so little.
I have an allergy for “right answers”
Even when right answers are what I need.
I told God all this today.
He listened and sent a friend to encourage me not to give up.
A friend confessed last night how he used to depend on people’s opinion about him,
I kept quiet, but I still am dependent on that more often than not.
I am a wanna-be rebel on a leash of loyalty.
I am not content with myself.
There’s so much to change / update / upgrade / delete / install…
Mainly, it’s the question: “Does my life amount to anything worthy?” that is like a toothache.
Because I don’t know.
Only later I will find out.
I want it to be the way He wants it.
But I keep stumbling in confusion.
I need to get some sleep.