[dreams and reality]

[dreams and reality]

My dreams are real.

My reality is dreamlike.

It’s incredibly confusing, you know?

When your life resembles a dream…

It’s like when you wake up from a dream,

The colorful images still vivid in your mind’s eye,

You rush to the closest person (or a social network)

To share your experience…

Only to realize that your story sounds rather odd and stupid.

And you stop and wonder… It seemed so logical when you were dreaming – what happened?

My dreams are real,

My reality is dreamlike.

When people ask me (in real life) what is going on…

I try to tell them.

I try to tell them what I feel, describe what I am going through…

And I stop.

I stop because I realize that actually there’s nothing really to complain about.

Life is good.

Yet, the depression is still there.

I can’t get rid of it.

Everything, every little detail that reminds me of the past – and I dissolve in memories.

Sometimes I wish I could forget.

Sometimes I wish I could forget the bad stuff – because it was bad.

Sometimes I wish I could forget the good stuff – because remembering it only makes me want to go back in time, not make new memories.

I don’t want new memories. I want my old ones – the ones that feel as comfortable as a favorite pair of white socks and worn jeans and a t-shirt. The memories that are as comfortable as the feel of my favorite old tea mug in my hand.

“You don’t value what has been left to you,” I was told that. “You value your work more than you value the family relationships.”

I dissolved after those words.

Was she right? Was she not? Self-doubt is a frequent guest lately.

Why do I love my work? Because half of the people I work with are just like a fourth family to me. I can’t help it – I need to have a family to function properly…

… I stood on the balcony of our 15th-floor office today. The view is “amazing” – a cemetery – right outside of the parking lot. I found myself feeling a little jealous towards those people who are there already (not at the parking lot… although, I guess, the comparison is sort of appropriate).

For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better. I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live.

Philippians 1:21-24, NLT

No, I am not up there with Paul yet. He was a much stronger person than I am. Yet, I keep thinking of that verse.

I hope God’s got a purpose for my life (this life). Right now, I don’t see any.

I need sleep.

Good night.

Now as I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
Please, guard me, Jesus, through the night,
And keep me safe till morning’s light.
But should I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
And should I live for other days,
I pray that God will guide my ways.

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