[er & dreams…]

[er & dreams…]

I have been watching ER for the past few weeks.

On one hand, it was great because it felt like visiting one’s family. On another hand, it makes me long for my long-lost dream. My entire childhood was connected with emergency stuff and doctors and dreams. Granted, I have never been to a hospital for a stay – only for some tests. But that was my dream – I wanted to be a doctor.

When I was about 3 years old, my mom and I were enjoying a wonderful day in Kyiv’s old downtown and a guy handed us a brochure. Turned out it was a “Faster than Emergency” book that talked about first aid and stuff. It had pictures and I liked looking at those pictures. After I knew the pictures by heart, I have asked my mom what were the strange little pictures all over the pages. Those were letters and I have learned to read by reading that book.

I was nuts when it came to medical stuff. I bought books (even sacrificed a trip to the mountains with my youth group in favor of getting a textbook for 3rd year of medical university – I was about 13 or 14 at the time). In my biology class, the students joked that I was the “professor” because I could stand at the blackboard all class-period long and talk about human body.

Then the dream came crashing down.

First my aunt discovered she has cancer. She had a surgery and the growth was removed. We were so happy. Everything was back to normal…

However, that didn’t last long. My grandma broke her leg and got to a hospital. A doc who obviously didn’t really care gave her the anaesthesia which killed her kidneys and she spent her last two years in a hospital, getting dialysis twice a week.

After she passed away, my aunt’s cancer returned with vengeance and to add to that, she had a stroke. She passed away a year and 10 days after my grandma.

In those three tough years for my family, I have given up my dream about becoming a doctor. I wouldn’t be able to work and know that I don’t have the resources to help. While Ukraine is in a much better state than Africa or India, it’s far from the normal standard of care. I realized that I simply would not be able to deal with that helplessness and not go nuts.

So I went to university and got a management major. Later I got a job where I work with websites and code and stuff. I was happy.

But when I watch ER… I can’t help but wonder – did I make the right choice? I still love studying human body because it’s fascinating how God has thought of and created every little minuscule detail. I love being able to help someone feel better. I am drawn to long shifts and busy days.

And the scariest part? I don’t see the point in my current job any more.

There. I wrote it down.

It terrifies me. I used to love what I do. And yet, these days, I come to work, do what I need to do, and I leave.

I hope “this too shall pass.”

And with so many people joining the Chamber and leaving the Chamber… I can’t help but wonder.

Did I make the right choice?

  • Read this last night but too tired to comment Zee. I ache for you in several ways. One, that a series of family crises took hold of your dream. Although I can't help but wonder if maybe God put in the place where you are for His purpose and to meet and influence the people you have. Can you pursue your doctor desire now? is it too late? how about being a Certified Medical Nurse? Second, i ache that you don't find satisfaction in what you are doing any more. I know how that feels…aimless. Maybe it is just a season you are going through. maybe it is God preparing you for your next station in life. Just know I am praying for you. Love you sis.
    My recent post Insecurity

    • maybe God put in the place where you are for His purpose and to meet and influence the people you have – i think so. otherwise, i would really wonder what on earth He is doing.

      the thing with being a doctor… the situation hasn't changed in Ukraine – the doctors are still helpless in many cases. think of a charity hospital that accepts people without insurance – that's what we've got all over here. it's not the fact that my grandma and aunt got to the hospital that crashed my dreams. it's the realization of what the hospitals are like over here. and that hasn't changed, unfortunately. my friend is a surgeon and he said that they sometimes pay for the people's meds themselves just because they won't be able to get them any other way…

      so, on one hand, my work is perfect for me… but it makes me wonder whether i'm just like a monk hiding from the world in a monastery and then saying that God is good, you know what i mean? i want to make a difference. if where i am right now is where God wants me to be, i'm fine with that. i just need to KNOW…

  • Well I reckon (how's that for western talk) I'll have to pray for you to KNOW without question that you are where He wants you and you are doing what He wants you to do. 🙂
    My recent post Insecurity

  • Wow, what a story. I'm of the opinion that God doesn't give us gifts and talents for nothing. Maybe He will open another door for you to use the passion you have in another way.

    I'm actually struggling with the same thing right now. I don't feel like what I'm doing right now is what I want to do forever. I'm trying to figure out what's next.
    My recent post The Divorce Experts

    • one day i'll find out, i guess, Tony 🙂 i also don't think that God would grant me all these opportunities to learn for nothing.

      praying that you will know which direction to move in.

      My recent post between generations

  • Oh!

    This is such a good story.

    And you said it.

    I think God may have a surprise for you, Zee. 🙂

%d bloggers like this: