[er & dreams…]
I have been watching ER for the past few weeks.
On one hand, it was great because it felt like visiting one’s family. On another hand, it makes me long for my long-lost dream. My entire childhood was connected with emergency stuff and doctors and dreams. Granted, I have never been to a hospital for a stay – only for some tests. But that was my dream – I wanted to be a doctor.
When I was about 3 years old, my mom and I were enjoying a wonderful day in Kyiv’s old downtown and a guy handed us a brochure. Turned out it was a “Faster than Emergency” book that talked about first aid and stuff. It had pictures and I liked looking at those pictures. After I knew the pictures by heart, I have asked my mom what were the strange little pictures all over the pages. Those were letters and I have learned to read by reading that book.
I was nuts when it came to medical stuff. I bought books (even sacrificed a trip to the mountains with my youth group in favor of getting a textbook for 3rd year of medical university – I was about 13 or 14 at the time). In my biology class, the students joked that I was the “professor” because I could stand at the blackboard all class-period long and talk about human body.
Then the dream came crashing down.
First my aunt discovered she has cancer. She had a surgery and the growth was removed. We were so happy. Everything was back to normal…
However, that didn’t last long. My grandma broke her leg and got to a hospital. A doc who obviously didn’t really care gave her the anaesthesia which killed her kidneys and she spent her last two years in a hospital, getting dialysis twice a week.
After she passed away, my aunt’s cancer returned with vengeance and to add to that, she had a stroke. She passed away a year and 10 days after my grandma.
In those three tough years for my family, I have given up my dream about becoming a doctor. I wouldn’t be able to work and know that I don’t have the resources to help. While Ukraine is in a much better state than Africa or India, it’s far from the normal standard of care. I realized that I simply would not be able to deal with that helplessness and not go nuts.
So I went to university and got a management major. Later I got a job where I work with websites and code and stuff. I was happy.
But when I watch ER… I can’t help but wonder – did I make the right choice? I still love studying human body because it’s fascinating how God has thought of and created every little minuscule detail. I love being able to help someone feel better. I am drawn to long shifts and busy days.
And the scariest part? I don’t see the point in my current job any more.
There. I wrote it down.
It terrifies me. I used to love what I do. And yet, these days, I come to work, do what I need to do, and I leave.
I hope “this too shall pass.”
And with so many people joining the Chamber and leaving the Chamber… I can’t help but wonder.
Did I make the right choice?