[plan b – thinking outside the comfort zone]
The point of the post is to record the feelings right now so that maybe in the future when I will come back to this post, I will grin and think about how God managed to turn the situation around…
That, and I need your prayers because frankly… this entire situation is stressing me out.
I am almost done with the Plan B book (I have a chapter left – got sidetracked because I got the book from BookSneeze – yes, they deliver to Ukraine!), but today I realized that I have read it just in time… because I have found myself in the very middle of Plan B.
How do I know? My plans have changed and I hate it.
Yet, I am trying to find something good about this situation.
I have been working at the Chamber for two glorious years and although I complain once in a while about something, I love my job, what I do and who I work with. One of the biggest events that we do is Annual American Independence Day Picnic (since we’re American Chamber of Commerce) – around 5,000 people get to come to this event. Lots of planning, lots of preparations, and TONS of fun. For two years, I have been in charge of the Kids’ Zone. I loved it. My observer’s nature was basking in the experience – watching those kids have the time of their lives on the carousel rides or trampoline, riding horses, playing with Ronald McDonald… I was chatting with the parents while the kiddos were having fun, and it was a grand time – even when there were a few drawbacks.
When we were starting the preparations for this upcoming Picnic, it was unanimous that I would be in charge of the Kids’ Zone again. I was waiting for a year to spend another glorious day helping the little ones.
Today everything has changed.
The thing is… I am also a project manager for the upcoming Chamber Online Business Network (CU). Although in university my major was Management… it’s only because I did not want Marketing or Management of Informational Systems… I am NOT good at management.
Ask me any technical stuff about the CU and I would either tell you the answer right away or I will know where to find the answers and will get back with you. However, ask me about the launch of the event and I get lost. And I totally feel like a loser because I know it’s expected of me to come up with ideas of what I want… but that is completely out of my competence! I am just not the right person to ask when it comes to events and such – I can HELP or come up with an idea, but most of the time, those are random. However, since I get those random ideas often everyone thinks that I am some kind of a genius or something. Which I am not.
So we were thinking about how to promote this CU and someone (not me) came up with the idea of a tent at the Picnic – presentation, a couple of laptops, the whole shenanigan. And guess who’s responsible for that? Yours truly. I will be in that tent for 6 hours talking, and showing, and explaining.
To be honest, I was almost crying because my Kids’ Zone was taken away from me. I do realize that the Plan Bs Pete was talking about were a lot more serious than just thing little thing, but… but I so looked forward to this Kids’ Zone – especially now that Coke is sponsoring it – there will be so many cool things for the kids! And I am going to miss all that because of a stupid CU.
As much as I loved the project in its technical development stage, right now I hate it.
So… I was thinking for the entire day (the meeting was in the morning) about my options and the reasons why this silly thing made me so emotional and unbalanced.
One thing I have realized is that I am extremely selfish. Yes, I am good with Kids’ Zone and I have already managed it twice, but… is it okay to want to be at Kids’ Zone because I don’t want to be stuck in a tent? Well, that is not the only reason. I generally don’t like to change plans like that two weeks before the event. I like routine things (which doesn’t include routinely talking to people).
Another thing I came up with is that the reason I don’t want to be in the tent talking about CU is because I generally do not like to talk for a long time. I am not a marketing person.
At the same time, I know what to do at Kids’ Zone and I can deal with issues. With CU – I feel rather useless. And that’s something I hate – being useless.
But then, the argument that my admin manager used was “But who knows CU better than you?” I know she meant it as a compliment, but that was the first time when I almost broke down.
I don’t want to kill the project… But I am the wrong person for it – at least not for a project manager’s role.
UGH. I am tired of this mental debate.
I just want to do what is right… but at the same time, I so want to go back to Kids’ Zone. And to be honest, I am not sure what the right thing is – to comply with the decision and be in the CU Tent or question the decision because right now the management doesn’t know what to do about Kids’ Zone (since they were counting on me to be in charge).
All that considered, like I said above, I need prayers.
I have no idea what to do.