[random notes: the passion]
I was home alone yesterday and decided to watch The Passion of the Christ again. I have watched it a couple of times a few years ago, but yesterday just felt like a… hmmm… good day to watch it (good day sounds odd).
Anyway. I have it on my computer and so with my cat sleeping next to me, I hit “Play” and watched.
Apart from the usual thoughts most have during this movie (“He really did go through it all, didn’t He?”), the question that kept running in circles in my mind was: if I were one of His disciples back then… would I be like Peter who was so sure of himself and yet denied Jesus three times? Or would I be like John who stayed with his friend until the very end?
Neither John nor Peter nor the other disciples really knew what was going to happen. They didn’t experience the delirious joy of Jesus’ resurrection yet. Yes, Jesus mentioned it to them a few times, but it was something they could not even imagine. Yes, Jesus himself raised a few people, but if Jesus is dead, who will raise Him? They didn’t know the entire story yet like we do these days.
I so want to say that I would be like John – staying loyal even when the people might arrest me along with Jesus, being there for Him even if it just means a friendly face in an ocean of hatred.
But I am afraid that I would be like Peter, the Peter who was before Jesus’ resurrection and ascension.
I wish I could confidently say “I will be there for You” but there’s this nagging bug that says “Well, you’ve let Him down quite a few times already, how d’you know that it won’t happen again?”
Sometimes I… sometimes I really wish I could’ve been there – even if just to see whether I can withstand the temptation to give Him up and give in to the basic instinct of survival. Whether I would be able to die there with Him if that’s what loyalty required.
What would you do if you were there? Have you ever asked yourself that question? If you have, what answer did you give yourself?