[ice-skating: feeling inadequate]
i have debated whether to write anything today or not, but after reading my friend’s Lisa-Jo’s blog, it inspired me so much that i decided to write too (and besides, i promised to continue the idea about ice-skating and life)…
even though i have not skated much in my life, every time i get a chance to do it, i am fascinated. to me, an observer of random things, ice-skating is full of examples.
yes, i know i have talked about this (professionals vs newbies) briefly in the previous note, but the thing that i wanted to stress this time… i am intimidated by people who do something better than me. on one hand, it is good because i strive to get to their level, but on the other hand, it’s too easy to think “i am a failure and i cannot do it.”
i remember my first experience of ice-skating. it was October 22, 2005… i went with my cousin Natasha who was over in Kyiv for a short period of time. she did go ice-skating when she was a kid so she knew the ropes. i was clueless, except for the fact that i did go roller-skating a couple times in my life prior to this experience. Natasha laughed at my antics. thankfully i can be stubborn sometimes, so i did not give up and skated all 45 minutes, falling only once on my bottom because i forgot that ice-skates have brakes in the front… but i did not feel really inadequate because she wasn’t a professional either. we were sort of equal. this time, FFW 4 years, i did feel like i cannot do it well because all my friends seemed to skate so easily. they told me to relax, told me to enjoy it, told me to turn backwards and ride… i kept my silence because i knew that i am not there yet. i did relax, i did enjoy the process… but i got scared every time someone next to me would brake suddenly, or fall… and i had to start relaxing and enjoying from the square one.
in life, we often might feel inadequate when we’re in the presence of someone who is better than us in a certain area. for example, i found it tough to preach in front of my mom (who is a pastor… yet, i needed to deliver a sermon because it was my homework assignment for Doctrine of Holiness class)… my mom told me that she cannot translate normally (English – Russian) when i am around…
and, ultimately, i often find myself inadequate when i am in the Presence of God. even though my heart feels it, my head keeps bugging me with questions like “why doesn’t He just give up on me?” or “why does He still love me even though i screw up so often?”… nonetheless, He doesn’t give up or stop loving me; that would go against His very nature of Love.
heh, and at the same time, i am happy that i feel inadequate compared to God. who needs a god when you’re just like him? that was one message that i loved in Bruce Almighty movie – don’t try to be God. it would not bring any happiness into your life… Bruce was supposedly almighty, yet he could not manage even his own life!
“You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting.”
Adhemar, Knight’s Tale
that “found wanting” phrase in English… i love it. there is no such expression in Russian… i know that it means insufficient or inadequate, but… taken literally… i find myself wanting.
…wanting to learn more
…wanting to BE more than what i am right now, to improve myself
…wanting to do more
i might not be the best, but i have enjoyed ice-skating immensely. and some day, i will teach my own kids how to ice-skate. and we’re gonna have FUN.